Adventure is a word most people can agree on when talking about parenting a teenager. Conflict, to put it mildly, is a part of this time of life – whether that is expressed openly to the family or whether it is taking place internally and only the young person or a few close friends know what is happening.
The adventure of parenting a child to a young adult is like crossing a river. You ask at times, “will I or my child ever get to the other side?” and then as you approach the other side another question becomes louder in our consciousness, “have I taught them enough to be able to live off the land ahead called adulthood?”
There are many other questions we ask ourselves or our kids, but something to remember is that it is a journey, an adventure together. An adventure where both our children and we will make mistakes – admit it, we are not perfect, J. Teenage years is all about growing independence. The tension is between how much independence and when to give more (or when to pull back). I would like to challenge us parents with three ideas I believe will help lead to a successful crossing of the teenage river to adulthood.
- Listen, listen, and listen some more; I mean to actually get to the bottom and truly understand what your child is telling you. Ask questions that are not hidden criticism but questions that will deepen your understanding of what your child is trying to tell you. An example of a criticism, “So you mean you don’t think you need to listen and obey me?” That seems like a question, but it comes across like a critical statement. Try something like, “So you mean, you want to make more of your own choices, even if I may not agree with them?” That question will lead to more questions (and understanding); sometimes you’ll find you actually will be agreeing with what they are asking for.
- Read reputable materials, or watch a DVD on parenting from a trusted source. In our resource tab we make some suggestions.
- Share your values with your teenager – they are listening…and watching. It is sometimes difficult to believe, but teenagers do care what we say and what we do. It is important that they also see your values played out. As a mentor of mine always said, “it is better caught than taught”.
More articles to come on Crossing the Teenage River.
“Intimidating”, “a joy”, “impossible” and “a gift”, these and many other words have been used to describe what it is like to raise a child. Because we are not given an instruction booklet when we go home with our babies, we need information and tools to help us to be the parents our children need.
Gates, walls, doors, and windows are all types of boundaries with good purposes. They protect us and give us a sense of security as they keep bad weather and bad people out of our homes. Some, like windows, can be opened to let in fresh air, or a door to let in friends and family. Our children need these types of boundaries as well to provide security, but also room to grow as a person. For children, what does a helpful boundary look like?